Deciding to share
*I haven’t been speaking to media, friends, family, competitors, anyone. But I’ve decided to share now. Sure it doesn’t matter what people think, I don’t need to excuse. But everyone who supports me deserves to know. I wrote this the morning after the 5000m semi race, and it was a good part of the process moving forward. Its a bit long. But it is what it is. Don’t have time to cut it down, Wrote in the moment.:
This is SO frustrating. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Still don’t. I want to explain. I don’t want to make excuses. That’s racing. It turns out this way sometimes. I want to be alone. I want to be focused. But I also just want to just relax and see my family.
The 25 family and friends who have come here with tickets for the finals tomorrow, which I won’t be in. This kills me too.
I want to say sorry. Feel like I’ve disappointed a lot of people.. myself too. I know not a lot, but still. Disappointment is disappointment, even with understanding, it still sucks.
I should be in that final.
It’s very tough for me right now. A lot of emotions and frustrations. I don’t feel like making excuses, I don’t feel like really talking to anybody right now. Because I know what was wrong and I want to deal with it myself.
There were a slight error I made in that race, but it was much bigger than that. The errors didn’t matter.
I want to explain, but i don’t want to because of the principle, and because I’d rather focus on moving forward.
But I will write this now and share later.
So I barely got to warm up. I wasn’t directed to the right bus, was sent off to another training track. Almost missed my race, which would have disqualified me for the rest of the games.
It wasn’t completely transport staff’s fault. I said ‘racing tonight, athletics. Which bus?” And to me if I was going ‘training’, that would be different, but to them, racing wheelchair meant track, and so I was just directed to the nearest track bus.
Luckily, I was going very early, and transport was awesome at trying to get me there in time, in traffic. It was close.
Head wise, I’m good with this stuff. My usual procrastination training pays off.. ha. Thank god I got there in time… but only 15mins warm up will account for some of the extra lactic I was feeling.. but only some.
Why?!?.. Bad timing. But that’s what I talked about earlier this year. This week of ‘Olympics’ is a week. Sure everything has led to this moment, but its still just a week of four years , where yep, something could be off. And that’s what makes the challenge interesting, who will be ‘on’ at the set time when it matters most. And who will be off. But its frustrating when nothing else in the last four years matters. I’ve done evvveeryything in preparation. Zero regrets. But there are certain things out of our hands.
Like bad health.
I’m fighting something and been on multiple antibiotics. I don’t know what’s going on…
The whole year has been like this off and on and I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of it. Im so proud of how i have handled it mentally, not letting it take over, not letting it dictate, not letting it excuse. I’ve succeeded in many races this year. I’ve just been fighting w my mind and body so long now though.. Being tough and I’ve been fighting it well mentally. Not letting it get to me. And fight it physically.. I’m tired. But ya. *expletive*. I can’t complain. I know others who have been worse, or are worse. I know. I know all of this. So gotta stop. Now .
I think that I don’t accept it.. kinda skip that one and go to deal w it and fight w it. With it. Not against it. With it on me. Knowing what it is that’s going on would be nice, make it easier.. but I don’t have that luxury. So whatever it is, I fight with it on me. Cut off my arm. I’ll still do these things… I think that is what the spirit of the Paralympics is all about.
Need to get out and deal and move forward.
My mind is okay. I’m good at that. I’ll do what I need to. In fact I am in enough control that I am trying to make a conscious decision, whether to let this anger and frustration.. all this emotion fester a bit and fuel the next one to devour people.. or let it go.. relax. Move on. I think it is going to be a combination. But no matter what I’m still not healthy… But will try to use mind and will over matter as much as possible.
I’ll be quiet and refocusing and channeling the next two days.
*So today – Still not myself. But mentally I’m back to a relaxed chill head space again. I’ve let go. It is what it is. But I didn’t say giving up. I’m fighting this one till the end.
*intro photo credit to canadian paralympic committee daniel marcotte